The Retire Sooner Method: Secret #3, Social Connections, Part 2

Welcome back to my series on the great retirement book The Retire Sooner Method: The 5 Secrets Behind America’s Happiest (and Unhappiest) Retirees.

So far we’ve had the following posts in this series:

If you missed any of those posts, you’re going to want to go back and read them before you read this one, since today’s post is a continuation of the others.

Today we’re continuing our discussion about Secret #3: social connections.

Significant Others

Now the book starts to talk about the impact of significant others on retirees:

Our research made it abundantly clear: Happy retirees are 50 percent more likely to have a spouse or partner.

And if you’re not married, you’re not doomed. In our Money and Happiness in America study, we asked participants, “What is your current living situation?” Then we gave them several options: Did they live alone, with their spouse or significant other, with a roommate, with their parents, in a senior living community, or with a relative? Unhappy retirees are 60 percent more likely to report living alone compared to happy retirees. Sure, living with a spouse or partner saw the highest levels of happiness, but retirees living with anyone — siblings, other relatives, friends, etc. — were consistently happier than those living alone.

For retirees who do live alone, whether by choice or circumstance, this data underscores the importance of building robust social networks outside the home. Regular commitments to social activities, volunteer work, clubs, or community organizations become essential for maintaining the daily social interaction that coupled retirees get naturally.

I would probably force myself to be a bit more socially active if I wasn’t married.

I do enjoy alone time, but based on everything I’ve read, too much alone time could be bad for even an introvert like me.

My dad lives alone, but we talk to him every day and he gets out almost every day. He has a brother and a sister in Iowa nearby, plus a ton of nieces and nephews and their kids, so he’s pretty busy. At least as busy as you can be in small-town Iowa. Hahaha.

A few thoughts here:

Being married gives many retirees a built-in daily connection. You have someone to talk to, eat with, make plans with, run errands with, and share life with. That’s a big advantage if the relationship is good.
Of course, being married does not automatically make someone happy. A bad marriage could make retirement worse. But assuming the relationship is solid, it’s easy to see why a spouse or partner would be a major happiness factor.
For retirees living alone, the challenge is making sure they still have regular interaction. That doesn’t necessarily mean having a huge social circle, but it does mean having enough structure so they are not isolated.
This is another reason churches, volunteer roles, clubs, sports, classes, and community groups can be so valuable. They put social interaction on the calendar.
Living alone by itself is not necessarily the problem. Being lonely and disconnected is the problem.

The book continues:

Family relationships play a significant role in retirement happiness, particularly when it comes to involvement with adult children and grandchildren. Among happy older Americans, 36 percent say involvement with adult children and grandchildren is extremely important to their happiness, compared to only 26 percent of neutral or unhappy older Americans.

This doesn’t necessarily mean happy retirees live in the same house as their adult children — in fact, multigenerational living can create its own stresses. But proximity matters. Many happy retirees have made deliberate choices to live near their adult children, whether that means staying put in a longtime family neighborhood or relocating to be closer to where their children have settled.

This is certainly true for us.

In Colorado, our kids lived within 10 to 20 minutes of us. Here, our son is still in Colorado, but our daughter and son-in-law live 10 minutes, at most, from us, which is very nice.

Living together would be no bueno, but living close is awesome.

We did ask my dad if he wanted to live with us when we were moving here, as we would then buy a house that had a separate area for him, but he didn’t want to leave The Villages. Now that he’s left The Villages, he still probably wouldn’t want to live with us, at least here, because he couldn’t go anywhere. He’s afraid the traffic is too crazy, which it is, though it’s more the drivers than the traffic.

A few thoughts on family proximity:

Living near adult children can be a major retirement happiness boost if the relationships are good and expectations are healthy.
Living close is different from being dependent. I think the sweet spot is being near enough to see each other regularly but not so enmeshed that everyone loses privacy and independence.
Weekly dinners, occasional outings, helping when needed, and being part of each other’s lives can add a lot of happiness without requiring everyone to live under the same roof.
Retirees should be careful not to move near adult children without discussing expectations first. Your idea of “being close” might be weekly dinners, while their idea might be seeing you once a month.
On the other hand, if everyone is on the same page, being near family can be one of the great blessings of retirement.

This is also one of those areas where financial independence helps. If you have enough money and flexibility, you may be able to move closer to family, travel to see them more often, help them when appropriate, or choose a location that balances family, lifestyle, and cost.

Again, money is not the final goal. It simply gives you more options.

How to Increase Connections

The book next offers some ideas for increasing social connection as follows:

The research is clear: Social connections are nonnegotiable for retirement happiness. But how do you actually build and maintain these relationships, especially if you’re starting from scratch or facing the biological reality that making friends gets harder with age?

Here are some tips and tricks for how to socialize during retirement:

Be intentional about location.

Where you choose to live in retirement matters enormously for social connection. If you’re considering relocating, don’t just think about climate, cost of living, or amenities; think about community. Are there built-in opportunities for social interaction? Is it a walkable neighborhood where you’ll encounter people naturally? Are there active clubs, organizations, or social groups? If not, what would it take to start your own?

Active adult communities, while not for everyone, do solve many social challenges by concentrating like-minded people in similar life stages with shared interests and plenty of time for socializing. And don’t forget: Living near your kids and grandkids is a potent happiness factor too.

Put yourself out there early and often.

Every social interaction, no matter how small, exercises your social brain network. Don’t wait for perfect opportunities or until you feel completely ready, Start with small, low-pressure interactions and build from there. Perfect opportunities don’t exist, and knowing that can release you from the expectation of pressure to find them.

Join groups based on interests you already have. If you love reading, find a book club. If you enjoy walking, join a walking group. If you’re interested in volunteering, contact local non-profits. The activity itself matters less than the commitment to regular social interaction.

Find ways to accelerate connection. While you don’t need formal exercises, the same principle applies:

- Meaningful relationships develop when people share more about themselves and learn about others.
- Don’t be afraid to invite people to coffee, suggest continuing conversations outside of group settings, or propose new activities.
- The people who seem most socially connected are usually the ones willing to take the initiative in deepening relationships.

Embrace the investment mentality.

Friendship requires investment — time, energy, and attention.

Invest through shared activities, quality time, and meaningful conversations.

Think of social connection as requiring the same intentional investment as financial planning. You wouldn’t expect your retirement accounts to grow without regular contributions and attention. Similarly, relationships require ongoing investment to flourish.

Several thoughts here:

The Villages is tailor-made for developing a lot of social connections, especially if you move into a new village, because everyone there will need new friends as well. But even if you move into an older village, you can still meet a ton of new people through shared activities, of which there are hundreds in The Villages.
This is one reason I’ve heard more than once that living in The Villages has added 10 years to a person’s life. Another reason is that people there are often more active. Social interaction and movement are both baked into the lifestyle.
If you have no interests, you are probably not very interesting and will find it hard to make friends. So get some interests if you don’t have any. If you do have interests, join a group where other people share them. Then you can meet others who like golf, pickleball, knitting, mahjong, biking, books, woodworking, church activities, volunteering, or whatever else you’re into.
I don’t think you need to go overboard, but if you want to be intentional, you could set a simple goal for yourself, like one or more social activities a week or a certain number of hours of social time.
Work and volunteering help a ton with the social aspects of retirement. Both are great ways to get social connections thrown in as a “bonus” while doing something else.
Location matters more than many people think. If you move to a place where you don’t know anyone, there are no built-in activities, and everyone keeps to themselves, you’ve made the social side of retirement harder. If you move to a place with clubs, activities, walkability, community events, church options, and people in a similar life stage, you’ve made it easier.
Being the initiator matters. Someone has to suggest coffee, lunch, a walk, a game, a small group, a dinner, or a recurring activity. If everyone waits for someone else to do it, nothing happens.

This is where I think retirees can learn from investing. Small contributions over time compound. You don’t build a seven-figure portfolio in one day, and you probably don’t build meaningful friendships in one interaction. But if you keep showing up, keep talking, keep inviting, and keep participating, relationships can grow.

The challenge is that many people want friendships but don’t want to do the work of friendship. They want connection but don’t want to initiate. They want community but don’t want to join anything. They want people to care, but they don’t want to be vulnerable enough for others to know them.

That probably won’t work.

The good news is that you don’t have to become a social superstar. You just need to start.

Being Social Summary

The book ends the chapter with these thoughts:

Community isn’t an isolated component of a happy retirement but rather a powerful underpinning. Without strong social connections, even the most financially secure retirement feels hollow, as you sit alone in your castle on the hill.

Here’s the beautiful thing: Social connections can begin improving your life immediately. Every conversation you have, every person you meet, every group you join adds up to something greater than the sum of its parts.

The goal isn’t to become a social butterfly or to build a network of hundreds of acquaintances. The goal is to reach that threshold where you feel you have “enough” close connections — people who know you, care about you, and enhance your daily experience of being alive.

Several thoughts from me:

He recommends five close connections and then also says all you need is “enough” to be happy. Which is it? Because enough might be two for some people and eight for others.
Therefore, I think you need as many close social connections as you feel happy with. For me, that’s a small, manageable number. Others can pick what works for them.
I do think non-close connections of all levels — semi-close, casual, activity-based, and even one-time interactions — all count as well and add to well-being. I wouldn’t discount those, nor would I fail to mention them, as this book largely does.
These less-close connections can be picked up pretty easily by playing group sports, going to church, volunteering, joining a social group, taking a class, becoming a regular somewhere, or participating in community events.
Close connections are deeper and more important, but casual connections help make daily life feel richer. It’s nice to walk into a place and know people. It’s nice to be recognized. It’s nice to have small conversations with familiar faces.
In the end, I think the goal is not to become the most popular retiree in town. The goal is to avoid isolation and build enough relationships to make your life better.

This chapter is another reminder that retirement planning is not just financial planning. Yes, money matters. A lot. But if you retire with millions of dollars and no one to share life with, something important is missing.

The best retirement is not simply having enough money to do whatever you want.

It’s having enough money, enough health, enough purpose, enough activity, and enough connection to build a life you actually enjoy.

That’s it for Secret #3. Stay tuned as we’ll soon move to Secret #4.

Significant Others

How to Increase Connections

Being Social Summary

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