Finding Your Purpose in Life

I’m not often at a loss for words. I guess you could probably tell that from the length of many of my posts. Haha.

But writing the introduction for this post took me several tries. That’s because the topic of finding your purpose in life is a difficult one.

It’s difficult for many reasons, which the book I’m going to highlight today explores.

It’s one that’s fraught with all sorts of landmines such as emotions, past histories, perceptions from others and yourself and a whole host of other things that ultimately results in many people putting off thinking about their purpose, because it’s simply too difficult.

That’s why I am pleased to bring you an excerpt from this new book — because it makes a huge leap forward in having us all think about what purpose is and what our purpose or purposes in life might be.

Jordan Grumet is a financial blogger from long ago turned into a financial podcaster, turned into an author. I covered his first book, Taking Stock, in a post on ESI Money a few years ago. It’s titled How to Approach Difficult Money Conversations with Parents in case you’re interested in reading it.

Before that, Jordan was a very accomplished medical doctor, went to some stellar universities, and had a great career in that field (he still does hospice work today as part of his purpose in life.)

I’m not going to comment on what I think my purpose is, what your purpose might be, how to figure out your purpose, or anything related in this post. I simply want to share with you the introduction to this book. That way you can see what it’s about and get a good overview so you can determine if it might be for you or for someone that you know.

So with that said, I’m going to get out of the way and turn this over to Jordan. The following is an excerpt from The Purpose Code, which is now available wherever you buy books. I hope you enjoy it.

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Introduction: The Triumph of the Little Beckonings

Sometimes dinner can change the course of your life. On November 3, 1948, Julia Child sat down next to her husband, Paul, to eat her first meal on French soil. Her life was about to take a remarkable turn. 

At that point, she could be described as a woefully unskilled cook at best. Her main experience in the kitchen consisted of helping to create the formula for shark repellant during a short-lived career as a spy in what would eventually become the Central Intelligence Agency. She was not a failure in life (though her attempts to become a novelist had not gone well). But she was lost.

That fateful meal at La Couronne (The Crown) in the medieval city of Rouen, northern France, changed everything. Julia called it “the most exciting meal of my life”—and not because it was delicious (though it was). It was the moment she developed an inkling of her deepest sense of purpose. 

“It came upon me that that was what I was looking for all my life. One taste of that food and I never turned back.”

Like a flash of lightning, Julia had the sudden realization that she wanted to cook; and not just any dishes, but the dishes of the most storied cuisine in the world—France. She was not spurred by grand plans of amassing wealth or changing the world (though, as it turned out, that all happened nonetheless). Her ambitions were more modest, and yet more powerful: to cook delicious food. 

Success was slow and difficult. Julia failed her first exam at Le Cordon Bleu. It took her over ten years to write her classic book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. 

The idea of quitting, however, never occurred to Julia. She was having too much fun on her gastronomic adventures. Her true measure of success wasn’t the books and television shows, or all the money she eventually made from them. It was the joy of cooking and the people she touched along the way.

“I don’t think about whether people will remember me or not. I’ve been an okay person. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve taught people a thing or two. That’s what’s important. Sooner or later the public will forget you, the memory of you will fade. What’s important is the individuals you’ve influenced along the way.”

***

Julia Child’s sense of purpose is a stunning example of something I believe we can all experience. But discussing purpose with audiences large and small doesn’t always lead to a positive response. In fact, the most common response is wildly negative. 

I clearly remember the first time I experienced this reaction. I had just stepped off stage at a weekend seminar in Julien, California, having given a 45-minute talk about building financial independence and living a regret-free life, when an audience member sidled up to me as I walked toward the back of the auditorium.

Her upper lip was curled into a snarl. Somehow, my talk had gotten her into such a lather that she wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to confront me in person. I was shocked: the purpose of the talk was to help people. Shrinking back, I braced myself. As she opened her mouth to speak, I had no idea what she was about to say. 

“I’m so sick of people telling me to find my purpose. I don’t know my purpose and it’s stressing me out!”

No one had ever said that to me before. But over the next year—as I went from conference to conference, podcast to podcast, and speaking engagement to speaking engagement, sharing how the ideas in my first book could help people—I kept hearing it. 

It became overwhelmingly clear that most people struggle to find their sense of purpose, and struggle even harder to integrate this vision into anything they would call happiness. Curious, I dug into the data. It turns out that even though having a sense of purpose can increase lifespan, health, and happiness, it is also associated with anxiety in over 91% of people at some point in their lives. I was dumbfounded. How can we explain this paradox? 

I began to realize that even those who have been able to see past the mirage of wealth and start searching for what really is important in life find themselves facing a larger and even more frightening obstacle. They know that happiness and purpose are intimately tied together but they can’t quite explain how. They understand the term purpose, but have no idea how to take action to discover what it means in their lives. 

For most people, purpose has become a kind of indecipherable code, sealing away true fulfillment and lasting happiness. But the purpose code is one that can be cracked. And anyone can do it. This book will show you how. 

Why am I so sure? Well, as this book will share with you, there are many incredible (but unheard) true stories, numerous fascinating (but often overlooked) studies, the perspectives of many wise (but sometimes neglected) writers, and much more besides that all attest to this and will help you crack the code … But first, it’s because I know from my own experience.

Let me tell you a story about a man called Roman, and the lives he changed.

The Man Who Changed the World with Baseball Cards

Back in middle school, an awkward kid on the cusp of teenagerdom, I met a man who changed my life forever without intending to. He had stumbled upon his own sense of purpose and, because of it, was making his mark on the world—and those around him.

Roman was the picture of an aging athlete. His twenties had seen his muscles soften and the beginnings of a belly develop on his otherwise lean frame. His boyish face was patient and kind. He always seemed to be about to smile. 

Roman would have described himself as a people person. In fact, it’s probably why he went into the antiques business in the first place. His high-school tenure as a top football player ended with the unfortunate twist of an ankle. Yet his natural affability—combined with furniture-refinishing skills learned from his carpenter father—made owning an antiques store in the Chicago suburbs more or less viable. 

He spent his days hanging out in the store, refinishing old furniture in the back when foot traffic was slow, and buying and selling various doodads when he saw the opportunity to make a buck. One day, while cleaning out an old dresser in preparation for sanding, he scouted out a long-forgotten box of baseball cards tucked away in the far recesses of the bottom drawer. A quick call to the seller confirmed that the cards were unwanted and Roman was free to do with them as he pleased. While he often caught the Cubbies on the radio or the small portable television at the checkout counter, he had no idea how to place a value on the forgotten box of cards.

A few days later, a surly teenager accompanying his mother into the store provided a tidy solution. He offered Roman $100 for the whole lot. Feeling that luck was upon him—which it truly was, though not for the reason he thought—he parted with the haphazard collection without hesitation.

Now, as any of you reading this who happen to have a surly teenager at home will have experienced, they aren’t afraid to let you know when you have made a mistake. This young kid—Ryan was his name—was quick to spread a few cards on the counter right in front of Roman and explain why the collection was worth far more than $100. 

And that’s when it suddenly clicked. Roman knew that he was meant to buy and sell baseball cards. He couldn’t explain why exactly. Maybe it was the memory of bending them into the spokes of his bike when he rode around the neighborhood with his friends in elementary school; or the touch of his father’s hand as he was dragged through the bleachers on that first visit to Wrigley Field for his fifth birthday. The synapses were firing but cognitive explanations were slow to follow. 

The first thing Roman did was hire Ryan on the spot to help him build his empire. Then he started buying. A year later, what had once been seen by local children as a stuffy antiques store had become a hub for nerds, geeks, and baseball fans everywhere. Not only had store profits doubled, but Roman found himself at the center of a bustling, raucous, and growing community. 

The store was never empty again, and Roman couldn’t have been happier. 

Which is when I met him. A few years after my dad had died, and reeling from a learning disability that had placed me well behind my peers, I felt lonely and disconnected. I struggled with friendships and couldn’t contemplate finding a place where I felt that I belonged. 

But then I did.

When I walked into Century’s Antiques, I met a group of kids who were just like me. They became my community. We were the outcasts, the nerds, those not popular enough to have their calendar populated with social events and parties. We existed under the benevolence of our “sponsor.” Roman always had a kind word, a new pack of cards to give away and open, and some well-placed advice when one of us came in moping over our latest disappointment.

Looking back on my childhood, this meant everything.

Unfortunately, at first glance, the story doesn’t have a happy ending. After a couple of years, Roman was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Exhausted from chemotherapy, and an unexpected strike in major league baseball, he saw his record profits begin to spiral down. On a quiet Saturday morning, Roman closed Century’s Antiques, leaving a hole in the community felt particularly acutely by a rambunctious group of teens and preteens who had needed somewhere to belong. 

Although Roman’s days were numbered, those moments behind the counter mentoring the neighborhood kids while sorting through cards and chewing the godawful gum that came wedged between each pack were some of his most joyful. Roman had stumbled into purpose and it led to happiness.

I’m not talking about earth-shattering, world-saving, fame-causing purpose—the kind that people often dream of; the kind that causes anxiety when we’re told (or think we’re told) we must have it to live a life of meaning and contentment. That’s because the first step to cracking the purpose code is realizing that the purpose that brings meaning and contentment isn’t that kind of purpose at all. It’s not Purpose with a big, shining capital letter; it’s purpose with a little “p.” Small—but with a bigger, better, more meaningful impact on your life than the grandest imaginable all-consuming PURPOSE in bright lights. 

This purpose is found in small beckonings to pursue the things we are passionate about. 

In Part 1 of this book, we will discuss how to go about finding one’s purpose. But for now, trust me when I say that each and every one of us have these callings if we just learn how to listen to them. 

Before continuing, there is another point to be made here. While some might say that Roman found his purpose, I would wholeheartedly disagree. He didn’t find his purpose. He created it. He listened to intuition, became intentional, then built the life he wanted to lead. His first step was to hire Ryan, that snarky teenager who opened his eyes about the value of what seemed like a few useless pieces of cardboard.

Then, he had to educate himself on the collectibles market, buy inventory, and advertise to potential customers. Roman’s brilliance was that he used his enthusiasm for baseball and knowledge of buying and selling “old” things to create a community—a thriving community that depended on Roman just as much as he depended on it. 

I am not the only one who remembers Roman. There are hundreds of kids out there who found their lives in suburban America just a little more bearable and even exciting because Century’s Antiques existed. And those kids took that newfound confidence, struck out into the world, and built and created things of their own.

Some—like me—became doctors; others became lawyers, or engineers. Some bought and sold stuff, just like Roman. Others created things that brought people joy or made their lives better. The effects of Roman’s sense of purpose, his passion, didn’t end when he lost his battle with cancer. Like a pebble dropped into the ocean, his kindness and joy displaced what seemed like an infinitesimally small amount of water. But with nowhere else to go, that water created ripples that spanned the mightiest oceans. It sometimes gained momentum as it joined with other relentlessly small forces to create the largest of waves, and other times receded to become a barely recognizable nudge of water lazily crawling up a sandy beach. 

Years later, those kids have grown up and a number have children of their own. And somewhere in a basement, a father and daughter are sorting through an old shoebox and talking about the difference between Topps and Donruss, and the joy of discovery that came with every cellophane pack and the rotten piece of gum that we all ended up chewing anyway. 

What This Book Will Do for You

My hope is not only that you can have people such as Roman in your life, but that you can be one of those people too—that you can learn to live out your purpose with passion and joy. To do this, we must remove the stress and anxiety that we so often associate with doing important things.

The disgruntled listener mentioned at the beginning of this introduction was not a mean person, or even truthfully angry when her feelings were fully dissected. Instead, she was frustrated. Frustrated by the feeling that there was a grand plan for her that was just out of reach and kept eluding her. In missing this plan, she felt lost, inferior, and even guilty for not living up to what life is supposed to be about or how she was supposed to live it. 

I’ve written this book to help people like you (and her) see that there is no plan other than the one you create! There is no cosmically determined set of activities that will set you free if pursued or damn you for eternity if overlooked. Instead, my hope is for you to find purpose and joy—as Roman did—not in the big and audacious but in the small and intentional activities that you fill your day with. That’s where purpose is hiding.

These activities may feel insignificant at times, and they may change from time to time as you grow and evolve. You might find one thing that brings you an overarching sense of purpose, or there might be many. You might create major change immediately in the world around you (like Julia Child), but this does not have to be your intention. 

I promise you that if you pursue your individual sense of purpose, regardless of what it is, you will touch lives around you and eventually create a legacy.

Roman is not the only reason I know this. I know it from writing a book about money and purpose and talking to thousands of readers about their reactions. I know it not only from hosting a podcast in which I have interviewed hundreds of thought leaders on how to live a good life, but from being a guest on hundreds more where I have been pushed to clarify my own thoughts on the role that purpose plays in our wellbeing.

And finally, as a hospice and palliative care physician, I have spent a good deal of my career talking to patients about what has been meaningful for them in life. In extreme cases, I have had some of these conversations with people literally on their deathbeds. As discussed in my previous book, things like making more money and spending more time in the office on nights and weekends are rarely mentioned at that point. Getting that last promotion isn’t what occupies people’s minds when they are staring down death, surrendering their last ounce of resistance, and accepting the inevitable.

Instead, they think about whether they lived a life that was true to who they are. They question whether they had the courage to be themselves and pursue that which was important to them. They don’t spend much time worrying about what they failed at, as long as they think they tried their best. 

Living and dying are both about courage. One of our biggest misconceptions is to believe that the balance of courage is saved up for the end. The truth, however, is it is in the beginning—and especially in the middle—that we need it the most. 

Many of you reading this book are in the middle as we speak. Maybe you are struggling to take care of parents and children at the same time and feel like you have lost yourself somewhere in-between. Maybe you are part of a generation that finds itself more educated than ever but with fewer options and less direction than previous generations: all dressed up and nowhere to go. 

If you are feeling lost, then this book is for you. 

Here’s Where We’re Going

This book is ultimately a journey toward happiness.

There is a longstanding debate on how to define the true meaning of happiness and whether it is a goal that we should strive for. Some believe it is a transitory chemical phenomenon, others the holy grail of existence. Different words are used—contentment, self-actualization, wellbeing (or, as in my last book, purpose, identity, and connections)—but my contention is that, for most of us, the reality remains the same.

We are looking for a healthy sense of peace, belonging, and the hope that our lives make some sort of difference in a world full of randomness. 

Here’s how this book can help you get there.

In Part 1, we start with the paradox that purpose is both super-important to living a happy life and riddled with stress and anxiety, and show how to resolve this by breaking down purpose into its two kinds: “big P” Purpose and “little p” purpose. We will discover why the latter is better and more happiness-affirming than the former, and then explore how we can find it in our daily lives. Along the way, we will disprove one of the biggest misconceptions in personal finance today: that money can buy happiness. 

In Part 2, we will explore the roles of both meaning and purpose in bringing happiness. While these terms are often used interchangeably, meaning actually refers to our cognitive understanding of the past; while purpose points us to action regarding our present and future. It turns out that we need both. 

I will explore meaning in terms of the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Becoming the hero of our own journey makes the past bearable and the future limitless. 

I will introduce the powerfully helpful concept of the climb: a framework which equips us to build a life of “little P” purpose.

And finally, in Part 3, we will discuss why it all matters. One of the main reasons most people focus on “big P” Purpose is because they think that it is the most assured way to have a greater impact. Big, audacious goals are partly big and audacious because they get people’s attention. Many believe that true purpose must create either some sort of social good or a large-scale personal improvement. You have to either win the Nobel Prize or become a billionaire.

In fact, long-term, generationally impactful, and legacy-building purpose is much more likely to be of the little p kind. In Part 3, we will explain why.

***

My aim for you in reading this book is to embrace purpose in a different way than you have in the past. I want to provide a kind of purpose prescription to help you crack the purpose code. We will extirpate the stress and anxiety that often come with this topic, and instead help you see it as a wonderful opportunity to learn not only who you are but what you want—and how to make it happen. 

Purpose doesn’t need to be something glamorous or difficult to find. In fact, it doesn’t need to be something you find at all, but instead something you create. 

Let’s begin the process in which we learn how to create it—together.