Win the Retirement Game: Connect Socially

Today I’m continuing my thoughts on the retirement book,  Win the Retirement Game: How to Outsmart the 9 Forces Trying to Steal Your Joy

So far, here are the posts in this series:

• Win the Retirement Game, Introduction
• Win the Retirement Game, Fighting Boredom 
• Win the Retirement Game: Take Control of Change and Move Beyond the Status Quo 

If you missed any of those you may want to go back and read them as they all build upon each other.

And, as promised last time, we’ll be giving away a copy of the book at the end of this post. Be sure to check that out if you’re interested.

Today we’re covering a topic that is near and dear to my heart (and familiar to you if you’ve been reading ESI Money for more than 10 seconds).

You know how if you hear something over and over again from different, trusted sources that you should probably pay attention to it? That’s how I feel about this subject: getting and maintaining social connections in retirement.

In fact, it’s so important to me that I included it as one of my top seven retirement activities (you can read what I had to say about it at The Top Seven Retirement Activities, Part 2.)

So let’s dig in and see what this book thinks about connecting socially.

Humans are Social Beings

It begins with this:

Human beings are social creatures. We are social not just in the trivial sense that we like company, and not just in the obvious sense that we each depend on others. We are social in a more elemental way: simply to exist as a normal human being requires interaction with other people. (quote from Atul Gawande.)

Humans are social animals. We’re hardwired for relationships with others. We need friendship, companionship, and love. We yearn for a sense of belonging. We want to be a part of a community, something greater than ourselves. Ultimately, our close relationships with others give our lives meaning. Social connectivity plays a vital protective role in our health and well-being. Research indicates you’ll have 50% less risk of early death with social connectedness and a reduced risk of depression, cognitive decline, and dementia.

Just to be clear, while I am a big advocate for social connections in retirement and will implore you throughout this post to make sure you have enough strong connections, I also want to say I am an introvert at heart.

So for me:

• Yes, I need (and want) social connections.
• I don’t need/want very many of them.

I’m fine with my most solid and regular connections being with family members (which, as we’ve discussed previously, counts towards the 3.6 close connections retirees need to thrive).

That’s good news as I feel almost everyone can find/develop four close connections. If I needed 15, I’d be in trouble. But I can do four.

The book continues:

Multiple factors influence how someone’s transition to retirement will unfold, but social connectivity is a key one. A socially connected retirement is an active and engaged one. It gets you out and about more. People with diverse social ties in retirement have higher physical activity levels and a less sedentary lifestyle.

They all enjoy a honeymoon parade at first. But the ones who thrive have moved on from their profession. They’re not living in the past. They don’t focus on what they retired from; they concentrate on what they’re retiring to. They get involved with new things, they meet new people, and after a while, they’re enjoying a new life on their own terms.

The new activities naturally expand their social circles.

My thoughts:

• Once again, work wasn’t the center of my world, so when it ended, my social circle didn’t collapse. I never built my social life around work and the people there (at least in depth — I did have some good work friends I did stuff with after work) and always had outside connections.
• That said, even I had a big drop in my social circle when I left work. If nothing else, I would see 30+ people a day at work and they were suddenly off my radar. That’s a big drop!
• “They get involved with new things, they meet new people” and “The new activities naturally expand their social circles.” One word: pickleball. In Colorado I had 50 “friends” I either played pickleball with or knew in passing from pickleball. I had 10 friends that I played with at least weekly. I had 4-6 friends I played with multiple times a week. Florida was the same. I’m building that community here in NC and it looks like the numbers will work out to be about the same.
• Volunteering is also great for this sort of social connection after work. Or a part-time job. Or connecting with people at the gym (I probably have similar numbers to the pickleball ones above with people at my YMCA.)

Basically, if you get out and get involved, it’s highly likely you’ll run into others doing the same thing!

How to Create Retirement Connections

The book goes on with some suggestions for creating connections in retirement:

First, give yourself time to figure out what you want this new life to be. Don’t jump in too quickly. Try different things before you make any commitments. Second, don’t put off getting started too long either. Get involved with a few things that interest you. Try some new things. Do more with the ones that click, and drop the ones that don’t. Finally, start to create a new social circle. You’ll be fine once you find your new tribe.

I would say this works better:

• Give yourself time to decompress once you retire. Get used to being retired a bit. Not too long, but don’t jump into anything new immediately. It took me about a week to just get used to my new reality.
• Then you can begin to do the things you’ve already vetted and know you like — and setting up a routine around them. These may be social or they may not be. Mine were exercising and writing at ESI Money. Neither were social.
• Once those are set and your new structure is starting to take place, THEN you can begin to bring new people into the fold (and your activities).

This would be my recommendation for how to best slide into retirement.

Beating Loneliness

The book now begins to talk about the opponent to retirement in this chapter — loneliness.

Here are some of their thoughts:

Loneliness is the subjective feeling that you’re lacking the social connections you need.

Studies show it’s possible for people to feel lonely even when they’re surrounded by other people. Loneliness is really about connection — or lack thereof.

People often incorrectly believe it’s only an issue affecting older adults when in fact:

• • Loneliness is an emerging problem on college campuses.
  • It affects about a third of the population globally.
  • The UK has created a national strategy to address and combat loneliness in the UK
  • The Surgeon General of the United States declared it an epidemic

Loneliness is a serious threat to health and well-being, one that’s greater than obesity. Loneliness and weak social connections are associated with a reduction in lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Some thoughts from me:

• I am alone a lot…and was much of my early life (raised by a single mother who couldn’t afford childcare, so I was home alone)…but I am not lonely. After all, I have myself! And Zeus of course. He’s always home. lol
• This is the part that hit me the hardest: “Loneliness and weak social connections are associated with a reduction in lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day.” I would never think of smoking 15 cigarettes a day, so I better take this issue seriously.
• Thankfully I have a few strong, close connections and then a gazillion others that I know at various levels of familiarity. I certainly do not have a “subjective feeling that [I’m] lacking the social connections [I] need.”

The book next discusses how social connections change in retirement:

While retirement disrupts some social relationships at first, research has shown that over time, the size of a retiree’s social network stays about the same. Only the mix shifts significantly. Retirement shuffles the deck of your network and social interactions. The share allocated to family increases, and the share allocated to work colleagues and friends decreases. Men tend to reduce interactions with colleagues more. Women tend to cull their friendships and spend less time with less meaningful relationships. As we get older, we become more selective about whom we spend time with. People have a sense time is more precious and don’t want to waste it. The percentage of time we spend with the family goes up, just like we saw in the pandemic.

Yes, yes, and yes for me.

Yes, fewer work connections.

Yes, closer/more family connections.

Yes, don’t want to waste my time on relationships that are not fulfilling.

Next the book gets into the sorts of relationships we have in retirement:

Studies confirm all relationships are not equally important. In general, stronger ties, like those with your family and close friends, are where you’ll derive your greatest overall satisfaction in retirement. They’re your inner circle. They’ll also be your most intense relationships.

But your inner circle of strong ties is only part of the story. We also have week ties, and they matter too. Weak ties are your more casual contacts, like acquaintances. Interestingly, research shows the number of weak ties someone has is a stronger predictor of positive aging and well-being than the number of strong ties. Weak ties are easier to maintain. They act as a kind of farm system. Research shows people with the greatest number of week ties develop more close friendships over time, and some of those relationships eventually grow into strong ties. 

That’s very interesting IMO and the first time I’ve heard “the number of weak ties someone has is a stronger predictor of positive aging and well-being than the number of strong ties.” If this is true, I’m golden. Hahaha.

I have a lot of weak ties including:

• A ton of people at the YMCA.
• A ton of people I know from pickleball.
• A ton of people I know online (MMM forums). I see some of these once a year at the conference and am closer to them, as I’m sure you would expect.

The book goes on about weak ties with this:

What’s often overlooked is that those weak ties — your outer circle of acquaintances — can be more valuable in specific ways. Our strong ties usually see the world the same way we do. They tend to draw information from the same places we do. Weak ties can offer different perspectives and be better sources of new information and ideas. They’re often helpful in making introductions to people we wouldn’t otherwise meet. And the right introductions can have a big impact. They can lead to the right part-time work or consulting opportunity, or maybe the right organization to get involved with as a volunteer or board member.

All of this is true…for good or for ill.

I am still amazed at how often people are willing to share their political opinions to others they have just met. Maybe that’s because old men in a locker room at the YMCA have no boundaries or maybe it’s something else. But rest assured I get a wide variety of opinions, many of which are a different “perspective” than mine. lol. I usually just listen and let them go on.

As the chapter starts to wrap up, the book offers this:

Let’s talk about how you could get started becoming more connected socially. Think small steps, as you did with building your exercise habit. Where could you begin to get involved that would bring new social interactions into your life? We’re looking for things that interest you and could create shared experiences you’d find meaningful. That often involves helping others. Think about some interactions that would be of mutual benefit.

I LOVE the “small steps” line of thinking for anything major. Yes, I can eat an elephant…one bite at a time. Haha.

My favorite ways of connevting with others:

• Gym/pool
• Pickleball
• Church
• Volunteering
• MMM forums

BTW, the book does mention mentoring as a way to connect with others in retirement, so the MMM forums are perfect for this.

I’m also looking for opportunities here and there to connect with others. A few examples of how this has/will come to be:

• We have had family and friends visit us as they’ve come through North Carolina…many more than visited when we were in Colorado or Florida.
• I am making efforts to get together with MMM members outside our annual conference (like at a lunch we have planned for next month here in Cary)
• I have at least one old work friend who lives in Charlotte. I may head over there one day for a catch up lunch with him.

If I add any new activities to my life, odds are they will involve other people.

Two Interesting Thoughts

Before we get to the chapter summary, the book mentions two random things that I just have to share. Here is the first one:

About 2/3 of husbands list their wives as their best friends. But less than half of the wives list their husbands.

Hahaha. Take from that what you will.

Here’s the second:

It’s worthwhile to test drive a new location so you know what it’s really like to live there. Consider renting for a year before you decide to buy.

Wow. I wish I had done this before I moved to Florida.

I’d 100% agree with this advice. Avoid it at your own peril.

Takeaways

The chapter ends with these takeaways:

• We’re all social animals. The more socially connected you are in retirement, the more active and engaged you’re likely to be versus becoming more sedentary and isolated. Social connectedness provides fun, joy, and protective health benefits.
• Retirement disrupts the social ecosystem that you’re part of at work. The emotional aspects of the transition demand your attention. When you retire your social circle shifts more toward family and away from professional colleagues. The percentage of time you’ll spend with family increases, as does the time you’ll spend by yourself. Think about how you will replace the connectivity and interaction you have, or used to have, with work colleagues.
• Don’t sleep on your weak ties. They can be valuable connections and relationships you can cultivate.
• Find your new tribe. There are many ways to build new social relationships in retirement, including volunteering, taking classes, and mentoring. Experiment with a few to see what works best for you. If you’re still working, allocate some time to these activities in advance of retirement to make the transition smoother. If you have a spouse or partner, pay attention to all your social circles in retirement — the ones you share and your personal connections.

My thoughts on these:

• I don’t 100% agree with this: “The more socially connected you are in retirement, the more active and engaged you’re likely to be.” There has to be a point of diminishing returns and eventually another friend added makes you worse off. My POV is to get the number of relationships that make you happy, and work with those.
• “The percentage of time you’ll spend with family increases, as does the time you’ll spend by yourself.” I am personally very fine with this. And…this is the way I plan to replace the connections I once had at work — more time with family.
• Love the weak ties! They just happen naturally if you’re out and about (and at least a somewhat interactive person), don’t they?
• Those are some good thoughts on building new relationships in retirement. As I just said, I think if you’re active in a few things (most of which involve people) a lot of the work will be done for you — you’ll meet people fairly naturally. It helps to be a bit outgoing as well (which even an introvert like me can muster at the gym or on the pickleball court.)

That’s it for today! Stay tuned for our next post coming up soon.

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As I said above, I’m giving away a copy of Win the Retirement Game on every post I do about the book. Here’s how to you can enter:

• Leave a comment below telling me what you liked best about this post, what you think you can use, or something you learned from it. Basically just share anything meaningful related to the content above (note: “please enter me to win” and similar comments will not be considered out of pure weakness! At least put a bit of effort into it!) This should be fun!
• Be sure to leave your email address when you leave the comment so I will know how to reach you if you win (the email address will not be visible to anyone other than me).
• The winners will be selected by me at random a few days after this post goes live. I’ll announce who wins in my own comment.
• I’ll email the winner, get their address, and send them a book from Amazon.

As with most giveaways, there are rules. Here they are.

Good luck!!!!