Today we continue our series on the book The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire.
So far we’ve covered several parts of this book. If you missed any and want to catch up, please start with the first post, The Problems with Retirement, and then click through to read the rest in order. Or you can check out my retirement category and scroll through the posts there.
As I’ve noted, I have a love-hate relationship with this book. But do like it for discussing retirement issues that are generally glossed over by other books (even if this book does go a bit overboard with the negatives).
I’ll be sharing key passages from the book as well as my thoughts on them.
Here we go…
Social Activities
We’ll cover two chapters today, both about relationships in retirement.
The first chapter is about friends and family — basically having a social life in retirement.
The second is more personal, discussing marriage in retirement.
Let’s begin with these thoughts on social relationships in general:
Friendships and social interaction are extremely important for psychological well-being regardless of age and life stage. They contribute to our feelings of personal meaning and value and, by creating a sense of membership in the community, can help to maintain and reinforce our own identities and validate our thoughts and actions. They can be a refuge in time of need, providing emotional support and comfort and a sense of being accepted and loved by others. Additionally, to the extent that social interactions are planned (e.g., things like meetings, functions, and other gatherings that occur at a set time), they provide schedules that can help to add structure and meaningfulness to day-to-day living. Finally, we might also point out that a social life takes on even more importance after leaving one’s job, at which point the opportunities to feel good about one’s accomplishments may not be so handy.
The results of our survey clearly showed a link between a well-developed social life and better overall quality of life and, more to the point, better adjustment in retirement. Well-adjusted retirees seem to put more effort into developing and maintaining relationships, in terms of both time and emotional attachment, and their efforts have paid off in a greater sense of connectedness the world. Apparently, it’s not just the size of one’s social circle that matters but also its composition—well-adjusted retirees tend to be less exclusively reliant on family members for their social needs. Specifically, we found the following concerning well-adjusted retirees as compared to their less well adjusted counterparts:
1. Well-adjusted retirees are more likely to have friends outside the workforce and are likely to have more nonwork friends in their social circle. They spend more hours per week interacting with their friends, have increased the time they spend with them since retiring, and tend to be more emotionally close to their friends. In contrast, for the less well adjusted, family members — and especially their children — take up a greater proportion of their socializing time, and they tend to have stronger emotional connections with family members but weaker ones with friends.
2. Well-adjusted retirees are more likely to belong to clubs and organizations and spend more hours per week at their clubs. The less adjusted in contrast, actually spend less time at their clubs in retirement than they did while they were still working.
3. Well-adjusted retirees are much more likely to be satisfied with their social lives, more likely to feel connected to the world, and much less likely to say they feel lonely. The less adjusted, on the other hand, feel their social circle is too small, and although they realize they spend too little time interacting with friends, they also acknowledge that they have spent less time with them since retiring. They are also less likely to have made new friends since retiring and are less motivated to do so in the future. These retirees are also more prone to think their social lives have gotten worse since retiring.
Wow! Lots to comment on here:
- Having a decent amount of social contact is vital for having a great retirement. But what is a “decent amount”? I’d answer this in two ways. First, in the last post on this book titled The Retirement Maze, Being Active in Retirement it said, “Well-adjusted retirees spend…about 14 hours per week in social activities.” So there’s that. But second, I think the need for social interaction, hours, depth of connection, number of connections, etc. varies by person. So for one person 14 hours might be too much and for another not enough. I’d suggest you find out what works for you and stick with that.
- For me, I need less than normal as I’m both an introvert and prefer a smaller number of friends. That said I know a gazillion people through pickleball, about 20 of them or so fairly well and see them often. So when it comes to social interaction, I have more than my fill!
- Having social connections in retirement is so important that I made it one of my five categories to cover in my Huge List of Awesome Retirement Activities. If you’re looking for ideas on how to connect with others socially, that list has some suggestions for you.
- “Reinforce our own identities and validate our thoughts and actions.” I know this will come as a shocker to you, but I generally don’t need as much of these things as others. Hahaha. I’m wondering if the FIRE movement is high on people who get a lot of self-motivation and identity from within. I think we have to be as we move counter to what the culture says about money, retirement, and so on.
- “They provide schedules that can help to add structure and meaningfulness to day-to-day living.” Again, I provide my own structure. I have goals I want to reach and my days are filled with tasks that lead me to reach them. I’ve been working this way for over 40 years and it’s done right by me so far — why change now? Ha!
- “Social life takes on even more importance after leaving one’s job, at which point the opportunities to feel good about one’s accomplishments may not be so handy.” Self-esteem, self-worth, self-motivation, etc. are priceless IMO. They have all been in my bag of tricks for decades and have helped make retirement life a breeze. I guess what I’m saying is that the more you can (and even prefer to) rely on yourself, the less you need others to fill those needs for you.
- “In terms of both time and emotional attachment.” They have noted the time (as I quote above) but are vague on the level of attachment needed for “well-being”. It’s not that big of an issue for me but I wish they gave some parameters/averages so we had an idea of what’s “needed”.
- “Well-adjusted retirees tend to be less exclusively reliant on family members for their social needs.” I am well-adjusted but my main relationships are with family members (wife, kids, dad). Now I do have outside connections as well, so maybe that’s what they mean. However, my family is who I have the closest relationships as well as spend the most time with.
- “Well-adjusted retirees are more likely to have friends outside the workforce.” Most of my best friends have been outside of work. Yes, I had work friends throughout my career, but these were more of a forced friendship, like when you’re going to camp, attending an event, etc. where you are thrust together with others. You form bonds because you are going through the same things even though you might not be friends if you met outside of work. Also, the higher up you get in an organization the fewer “friends” you have at work. In my experience, it is lonely at the top.
- “Well-adjusted retirees are more likely to belong to clubs and organizations and spend more hours per week at their clubs.” I belong to a gym, which is more like a club. I see several of the same people frequently (trainer, staff, other members) and chat with them often. But my biggest “club” is not a formal club at all, but the network of pickleball people I know and play with.
- “Well-adjusted retirees are much more likely to be satisfied with their social lives, more likely to feel connected to the world, and much less likely to say they feel lonely.” I am satisfied with my social life, feel like I’m as connected to the world as I want to be, and do not feel lonely (BTW, as an only child who had a working parent and spent a lot of time alone, it takes a LOT for me to feel lonely — I actually love alone time. Plus, even when I’m home “alone” I have Zeus with me!)
Ok, so that’s how important social connections are.
But what about how to grow social connections — especially if you feel you need help in that area?
The book ends chapter 12 with the following suggestions:
Joining clubs and senior organizations is one option, but if this is not to your taste, starting your own retiree club may be something to consider. This may initially sound silly, but if each retiree knows another retiree who knows another, soon a great many retirees will be connected — enough to meet most anyone’s social needs. Such “clubs” can be established on a theme basis, such as dining, wine tasting, or golf, allowing retirees to meet others who share the same interests.
As another option, retirees can consider taking on some kind of work, either salaried or as a volunteer, specifically for the social benefits. That means, of course, that such a job should not be one that is worked from home. We have found that, while those with a satisfying social life are no more likely to hold a salaried job, they are more likely to work as volunteers, and they are more likely to have taken a salaried or volunteer job specifically for the social opportunities it provides. But whatever path is chosen, the key is to stay motivated and do something on your own to find people who share your lifestyle and your interests.
A few thoughts:
- Starting your own club is a great idea IMO. Then you can control both the subject (which you know you’ll like) and the members (who you know you’ll like). Hahaha. It doesn’t need to be something formal either (notice how “clubs” is in quotes above) — it can just be a group that meets for lunch or coffee every once in awhile.
- They don’t talk about in-person connections versus online connections (I wish they did), but I have to think that online connections count for something. Maybe not as much as in person, but online connections aren’t meaningless. This is another (and somewhat unexpected) great thing about the Millionaire Money Mentors. I have made some great friends who I connect with regularly. Can’t wait to meet them in person some day.
- Once again, work or work-like (volunteering) activities come up. Lots of benefits to them — social, brain-wise (keeping your mind active and sharp), and, yes, monetary (most retirees can use the money after all).
Now we move on from general social connections to likely the closet connections most of us have — marriage.
Marriage and Retirement
The book kicks off this topic with the following:
Most of us would probably agree that being married or having a significant other in one’s life is a good thing that adds to subjective well-being.
Intimate relationships provide regular companionship and emotional support. For retirees, they serve an additional purpose: they help in the adjustment process by providing some continuity in an otherwise disrupted life. Additionally, although it can be overdone, researchers find that couples tend to welcome the greater opportunity to participate in activities together.
Of course, that’s as long as the marriage is a good one, but, unfortunately, not all are. Retirement and marriage are what might be called “mutual influencers.” In other words, research has shown that intimate relationships can help (if good) or hinder (if bad) retirees’ adjustment, and the act of retiring itself can either strengthen or weaken a marriage. The emotional ups and downs that can accompany the retirement adjustment process can make their presence strongly felt in retirees’ relationships. Furthermore, with the change in roles and the added amount of time spent together, there is a good chance aspects of the relationship will be altered, perhaps substantially. On the positive side, retirement can make a happy marriage even better.
Lots to comment on here already but let’s share a bit more before we get into it:
When compared those in happy marriages to those in less blissful relations survey showed the following:
1. Happily married retirees tend to spend more time doing things together and have more active sex lives. They also had much more positive in-going perceptions about retirement but were also more accurate in their expectations. They were better at planning their retirement, particularly in terms of how they would spend time with each other, and report a much more positive quality of life overall.
2. In contrast, those in unhappy marriages are much less likely to describe their relationships as intimate, connected, or comfortable and more likely to feel their relationships had gotten worse since retiring. They are unhappy in retirement, feel the quality of their life has worsened and wish they were back at work. They are much more likely to feel depressed and feel their sex life is poor and has gotten worse since retiring and are less satisfied with how their lives have turned out.
Some thoughts from me:
- To me, yes, marriage is a good thing. It’s been a good thing not only in retirement but every year since we were married over 30 years ago.
- We didn’t really talk about retirement from the standpoint of how it would impact our relationship. We’ve always had a great relationship so I guess we thought it would be fine — and it has been.
- We spend much more time together since I retired, but not too much. In the “more time” category we take walks and talk while we do. We watch TV/a movie almost every night. And we play pickleball together when we find another couple willing to.
- That said, we also have our own interests which helps to make sure we’re not together 24/7/365, which I think is key. If you are around someone for that much time, no matter who the person is and who you are, it just gets to be too much. So like with many things in life, it’s a balancing act.
- Retirement gives you more of what you already have. If you have a great marriage, it makes it better. If you have a terrible marriage, it makes it worse.
- I have a couple friends who are clearly in the “worse” category. I want to tell one of them to go back to work before their marriage implodes.
- If you think you might have trouble with your spouse when one of you retires, I suggest you address it before you retire. If you need counseling, get it. Things will be much better if you get everything worked out ahead of time.
As we wrap up this section, the book has the following to share with us:
When spouses retire together, they are more likely to plan their retirements, particularly in terms of how they will spend their time together, and are more likely to have achieved the goals they set for themselves.
Simultaneous retirees are happier and better adjusted in retirement, report a better overall quality of life and happier marriages, and are more prone to think their marriages have improved with retirement. They are also more socially involved and connected, feel they have direction in their lives, and are better able to find interesting things to do.
In contrast, those with a working spouse spend less time in joint activities and are more likely to complain they do not spend enough time with their spouses. They are more likely to feel lonely and to be less involved with other people, are less happy overall, and are less committed to stay in their marriages in the future.
Those who are less well adjusted tend to have spouses who did not retire at the same time and to feel they do not spend enough time with their spouses. They tend to rate their marriages less favorably overall, are less likely to have sex regularly, are much less likely to feel emotionally connected or to feel appreciated, are more likely to feel their marriages have gotten worse since retiring.
More of the same really.
So what should married couples do to make the best of their relationship in retirement?
Some ideas:
- Retire at the same time. This eliminates the “not spending enough time together” issue noted above. Of course, it compounds the “too much time together” issue so…
- …have separate interests. Each spouse needs to create some interests/activities that the other spouse does not participate in.
- Have joint interests. There needs to be some common interests for the couple to pursue when they do have time together.
- Talk about and plan all this well ahead of time. Like much of retirement planning, this issue can be largely handled before either spouse retires.
That’s it for this time. For the next post in this series, see The Retirement Maze, The Big Five.
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